Tuesday, July 15, 2008


"Are all the cottonwood trees in town of the male variety?" Ivan wondered. "I haven't seen any cotton floating around. So I assume all the cottonwood tress in town are of the neutered male variety."

"Radar Weltmer came into Paul's Cafe last Wednesday morning," Ivan said. "He was looking for Dick Weltmer who was late to work. You could tell who was going to do the most work by the size of their breakfast. Dick ate something in the $1.50 to $1.75 range. Radar's first item on an order pad full was $3.99 and the total was way on up there."

"The local Runyons will be attending a Beouger family reunion in the western Kansas metropolis of Gove," Ivan reported. "The Beougher side of the family comes from Francis Runyon's mother. Don't ask how you pronounce Beougher, because even the family has three different pronunciations of the family name. Joanna Runyon says the German side of the family pronounces it like you were clearing your throat."

"Remember the two defensive ends Smith Center had last year," Ivan asked. "They might have been the two best in the state - Braden Wilson and Drew Joy, both sprinters of state track quality. They kept the opponent's offense from running wide and they put the pressure on every quarterback that thought they could throw against Smith Center. Of all the positions Smith Center will have to replace this year, those two might be the hardest shoes to fill."

"The Lull clan was going to invade the town on Saturday," Ivan said. "Linton Lull is the Patriarch of the clan. I looked up the word Patriarch in the dickshunary and it said 'Patriarch – the guy who foots the bill.' The Lull invasion will include twenty-three adults and eight kids. Fortunately for Linton Lull, he had received his stimulus check before the clan bellied up to the feed trough."

"Jack Benn checked out his tomato crop on his arrival home after a hospital stay," Ivan said. "He reported only one plant had been damaged by hail. I think that was probably the one he had earmarked for Dick Stroup."

"John McDowell joined the As the Bladder Fills Club last Friday morning," Ivan said. "Usually when John comes to the county seat, he is here to see the medics. But what he was doing here last Friday was garbled in transmission. You see John speaks a combination of Bellaire brogue and Lebanonese. I think if I got the message right, he had left a spare tire on somebody's porch in Lindsborg when he was helping a granddaughter move. And I think the spare tire was supposed to show up in Smith Center on Friday."

"Stan Hooper's new Jeep ain't gonna be new very long if he don't quit straddling the lines on the Main Street parking places," Ivan said.

"Casey Edell is going to have something in a sling if he ain't careful," Ivan predicted. "He called Edith Drake's hollyhocks weeds. Edie took a pretty dim view of his description."

"I wonder what the good news was that Linton was going to tell us about," Ivan said. "No use asking Dick Stroup. He has got a memory about as long as a gas pain."

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